The Beginning

Yet another question I seem to get a lot of is "When/how long did you know?" or "When did you start?".  Honestly it is a question that I would imagine most trans people ask themselves. It's slightly destructive to yourself because you do it for validation. If I'm feeling this way "now" then there must have been clues that make sense from my past.

The truth is, you may not have any, or simply may not remember. One of the more difficult things I had to come to terms with when I first came out, and still do in smaller doses, is that it does't really matter how I felt in the past, what matters is how I feel now.

You can get a newly self discovered trans in a pretty difficult spot by asking them that simple question because it seems like you are looking for the same validation as they are, and if they haven't found it yet then well, that could be hurtful. I'd suggest trying to read them and if they seem stuck, butt in with a bit of a "Well it's no big deal if you can't remember any." and ease some pressure off the poor person.

Honestly, the memories didn't really start until I started to accept this person I am, and am becoming. I remembered a handful of little things but none of them were of the sort to be conclusive that I indeed need to switch genders. Really all I had to go on at first was the intense desire to do so. That's it. It didn't make sense to me at all. Really, all I knew was that not doing this thing that I want so badly is causing me to be self destructive.

I actually got off a little from what I wanted to say. People tend to use those two questions interchangeably, When you started and when you knew. Not everyone realizes they are quite different.

I have a bit of an assumption about trans people. I think at a young age we are a little too oblivious to our gender roles and the world around us that we can't help but give some examples that are (maybe should be?) easily overlooked.

For example, one of my earliest memories of my expressing femininity is from when I was seven or eight years old. I was at a boy's house who had a sister. I don't remember many details but I do remember abandoning the boy and playing with my little pony with the girls who were there with the sister. I remember that I liked the smell of the ponies and that you could comb their hair. I went home and asked my parents if I could have one and I was told boys don't play with those. (no angst toward my parents btw, they are amazing people.)

A simple thing to happen, and a simple response to it really. I don't know how well my mind was working then, but I was a bright kid. I don't think it was much of a stretch after that for me to start seeing gender roles. I started not believing my parents, friends, and church about god around that age as well because it sounded hypocritical so I probably could figure out boys wear blue/girls wear pink. I think that was when I started repressing it as well. Possibly the first and last time I came out to anyone in any little way until my later teen years.

So that is an answer for "when" it started. Is it "the" answer, probably not. That is a young age and maybe it meant nothing, it's easy to look back now and label things the way I want to see them. I did, however, start having thoughts about being female almost the second puberty hit me. I reached the age of 13 before I masturbated. Even then it was only to see what everyone else was talking about. I had no desires to do that to myself at all, I don't know if that's strange but it kinda seems to be. It wasn't long after that I started using feminine things to get aroused. Wearing panties and lingerie I could get access to, anal penetration, and fantasizing about being a woman.

One thing I remember doing to masturbate was massaging the area just below my testicles and imagine it was a clitoris... I could easily orgasm with that stimulation alone. Not as simple as the "usual" process but more satisfying.

Still at that age I didn't "know". I didn't know until my twenties, like I said before. Hell, I still don't "know". I'm not sure if the doubt will ever go completely away, and it didn't start to at all until I started telling people, telling myself, and approaching the world as the real me. It's all about your feelings. I'm starting to learn how we do come with a rough users manual and your feelings are your table of contents.