Phoenix And Fawn

I"m having quite a jumble of thoughts this morning and I'm having a hard time pinning them down. Excuse me if this one is a little long and random.

I am thinking about a lot of things, but there is a common theme, "Where is my life heading now?".

I can't help but think about high school and my friends there. We were an interesting group of people. We were intelligent but not "nerds". We were creative but not artsy. We were all fairly well liked by the school, students and teachers, but we weren't popular.

We were a combination of intelligent, creative, and aware that just made us difficult to be social with other kids. I often wondered in my older years how I fit with them. I guess I was intelligent, certainly quite creative but I don't feel like I was ever as aware of the world around me, I was more sensitive to the people right in front of me. Even with these people I didn't really have much to say, I felt. I still felt alone even when surrounded by my friends. What teen didn't though, right? I don't even know if that's true or not, do all teens feel like that, all the time?

Either way, I think my friends sorta sensed my sadness and sensitivity. While they all talked to each other often and about things that I didn't really want to be involved with, they all came to me with their emotional or "real" problems. Relationship problems, family problems, personal problems, depression, these were the things people came to me about.

And I liked it. I continued to like it through school and university. I still like it. My problem was I was always more concerned about the people right in front of me rather then some abstract future goal. I have no doubt now that being transgender is what has stopped me from succeeding. That isn't true for every TG, I know. It's not even a good excuse, and I don't mean to use it that way. What I'm trying to say is my combination of personality, values, goals, etc made my dealing with accepting being transgender the most important thing in my life. I was/am ultra sensitive to people emotions because people weren't sensitive to mine. I couldn't deal with my own emotional problems so I wanted to deal with everyone else's.

My top four high school friends are now doing the following. One is an accomplished lawyer. My ex-girlfriend is a psychiatrist and her husband (I think?) (also a HS friend) is a published writer. Finally, the last friend is a freaking astrophysicists. My friends obviously did well, and I have little doubt I could have too, if I didn't have other things on my mind. What would I be doing now?

I started thinking about this after writing my last post yesterday but I didn't go to the "What if." until later. I was thinking how I kinda wanted to elaborate on that post a bit. I don't feel like I'm killing myself right now. I feel like I'm neatly folding up some things and putting them away. But essentially I am letting a person go that hopefully will go for ever. Yes I'm the same person in a lot of ways, I'm still sensitive, funny, sarcastic. Plenty of things have changed though, my interests, the way I interact with people, my moods. I find myself looking ahead and being excited to learn this me that has been hiding away.

But where do I fit in life? I'm not going to be "the tranny" all of my life, eventually I'll just be living a life like any regular woman, with a job, family, etc... what do I want it to be like? This transition has giving me a whole new perspective on being happy, and true to yourself and it's leaving me quite uncertain of my place in the world right now.

One day at a time, I know.

I had an experience yesterday that I'd rather not get into too much detail about. It has had a profound effect on me though, it taught me things I thought about myself, but didn't "know" about myself. It made me feel more feminine, gave me confidence, it has made me more comfortable in my own skin combined with humility. It has left me feeling more like a woman then ever before, and very self reflective.

I feel more centered today, and while I can't sort out what to do with all these things going on in my head I feel like they are coming toward me slower and in better resolution then before.