What is now beginning to dawn on me is I have found a tolerable place for my voice. That is very exciting for me. It has led me to head out on my own a few times and I'm starting to feel little bits of independence. I'm still pretty scared to talk to people, I can't really hold on a conversation. My voice will drop or crack often, and I'm talking pretty low. But I can order tea, I can say hello, I can make purchases.
I can say "Excuse me.". That's nice.
Oh to have a conversation with a stranger and not be scared stiff...
Or talk to a friend and not feel totally awkward.
Anyway, I digress again. I have found a little solace in my voice, enough for me to pick up a prescription and check a 6/49 ticket (nada btw!) on my own in the last few days. The interview forced me out to the public and showed me I can either pass, or people are bothered much less then I think they would be. I'd rather the first one but I'll take the second.
Also, yesterday I went clothes shopping with a friend. I have done it before but in a much more sheltered way. I used to hide behind whoever I was with, have them pay if I wanted something too. This time I bought the items myself, I asked for the change room, walked off on my own without much concern, it was so freeing. I think I felt like a kid the first time they knew it was ok to walk away from mom.
Also the little things, I audibly giggled (according to my friend) when a store employee greeted us both with a "Hello ladies."
And grinned like a fool when a clerk and a manager were discussing a discount for me because the jacket was missing a button and I heard him refer to me as "she".
I'm kinda aching to get a job now as a result of this new found freedom. I want to be out and have to deal with people. I want to be out and have to socialize. You may think "Not the reason for a job." and normally I would agree with you. However I have a personality I need to build, discover, and grown into, and much of that (whether we like it or not) comes from the feedback from others. Work can give me that and have the side effect of giving me money so I can do more of those things in different places.
Like you know, on a date for dinner or something.
Open up one can of worms after another. Why not, right?
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