I kinda feel like I've been saying the same thing over and over the last few posts. So instead of reflecting in this one I thought I'd give some help for what it's worth. This is going to be fairly specific to trans people, in particular parents.
First of all I want to say. I have been keeping personal details that involve others out of this blog on purpose. Because of this topic though I need to give a little info. Short and simple, I have a partner and a young daughter, both of which have been very supportive.
When I was first coming out to everyone in my life each person I told came with it's own bit of fear. Though it did become easier the more people I told, probably because I didn't face much, if any, negative response. My partner was the first person I told, the first person I ever said "I am transgender." to. That was a very powerful moment for me, it means no small thing to me that she was the first person I told. Like I said to someone I was chatting with online, "It took the best relationship of my life to tell someone something about me that could, even still, end that perfect relationship."
That's not what I'm here to talk about though. My parents were next and they were just as hard for me to tell as my partner.. They all started to get easier after that. There was one person though, both myself and my partner were at a loss to tell, and that was our kiddo.
There is NO information on transgender parents coming out to their children, especially young ones. I am seeing, from what I understand, the trifecta of trans care in Newfoundland, a GP, a social worker, and a (apparently "the") sexologist. They have told me straight that there is little information in general for transgender people, and finding something on children of trans-parents was virtually nonexistent. The majority of what they know is from us.
I'd like to say before I go on, that wasn't meant as any sort of bash. I think it's fantastic that these people even exist, and the care I am getting is taken care of by Canada. and the best thing about it is they know they don't know, so at least they can listen.
So I wanted to talk about the rug rat, and coming out to her, for anyone who may be in the same situation I was a few months ago. We spent a lot of time being worried about her finding out and the rest of it trying to figure out how we'd tell her. I used to spend my days minimally presenting female, women's jeans, panties, sneakers, etc. just to feel a little ok, and then run to my bedroom, after she went to bed, so I could change.
We kept trying to feel her out. If she would say something that was a gender stereotype, "Girls have long hair and boys have short." for example, we'd ask her "why?". At this age her reasoning is really no better then "I'm a girl and I have long hair, therefore..." I would also let her put make up on me, she would ask to do so often anyway, and occasionally slip in something about me, or boys, wanting to look like girls, and see what she thought.
In the long run it probably didn't make a difference, but if I had my time back I wouldn't have done it that way. Kids can make jumps in logic quicker then you'd think sometimes and she really started to figure it out on her own. One day, before we officially told her, she said to me "I know you want to be a girl." and I was floored. She didn't wait for a response before something else caught her attention which was good because I didn't have a sensible one to give her.
What I would have done sooner is simply what I ended up doing. My partner and I sat her down brought up a few little things that we've said, or I have done. She had been raised to be accepting of different people and family's, so we brought up how before we were talking about how some times boys like to look like girls and sometimes the other way around. Just enough to get her in the right mind frame, and then I just dropped the bomb, so to speak.
'Well sweetie, daddy is like those people, daddy wants to become a girl, like a mommy." She accepted it like I told her supper was going to be ready in 20 min. She did go through a bit of a period where she seemed to be feeling loss, and she had a few questions. Her main concern was she wouldn't be able to tell the difference between me and mom, or that I wouldn't sound like a boy anymore or do "boy things" (like play video games)
They were all just her way of manifesting the feeling of loss but it didn't take long for her to be completely ok with it all. We would do our nails together, or our make-up and she'd ask her little questions. Each day she had less and less questions until eventually she had none. Now she operates around the house like nothing was ever any other way. After I told her I took the next chance we had and put on my make-up clothes, etc and fully presented as female. She was excited and impressed with the change. I also made it a point to be as fully presenting as possible while at home with her so she wouldn't get confused with the switching back and forth. She has had an easier time accepting this then anyone else, including me. She just needed to be assured that I wasn't going anywhere, I was still her daddy and I still love her, after that she doesn't care if I'm a boy or a girl, kids are the most accepting people, period.
She even helps me feminize myself. I was practicing my voice one day, all day. When she came home from school I showed her what I had been doing that day, and my voice was actually starting to sound not bad. One of the exercises starts with making a humming "mmmmm" sound and you turn it into a sort of "meow.". I started doing the exercise with her and of course she started to meow back at me, lol. So we were going back ad forth with the meowing and suddenly after I meowed she stopped and stared at me.
"Woah, that sounded like a girl."
Then the game turned to me meowing and her saying "girl or boy." and it actually helped quite a lot, haha.
The only worry I have for her now is other kids. She has told some neighborhood kids and some have come into the house. Even these kids are totally unfazed by what they see when they come in, two of the older girls around (like 11-12 or something) came in and talked to me like nothing was out of the ordinary at all. I make it a point to ask the kiddo from time to time if any kids tease her. Of course some do, but according to her it hasn't been because of "her dad" besides one time and it was very short lived, and not very hurtful, even for a kid. Mine actually barely understood what the teaser was getting at.
So to sum it up for any transgender out there wondering how to come out to your child/ren. Chances are you are having more trouble with it then they will. Most likely they are far more aware and far more accepting then you'd realize. If I had to put it off much longer she would have completely figured it out on her own and I'd be trying to explain why I was lying all this time on top of everything else. I think the key to remember is, especially at a young age, kids don't have all the prejudices we do. If you're trans yourself, you have a great opportunity to raise a kid who is accepting and understanding of the people who are different in this world and maybe we can leave them not so afraid to be themselves while we are at it.
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