This simple change to my day has made such a big difference. It's not a "chore" at all to get ready now, and presenting properly, regularly, has made a large impact on me, my outlook, my mental health, my well being in general have all gotten better since I started to do this.
How do I know presenting correctly makes such a difference? Well let me explain my last week to you. And how little things can conspire against you.
I had been presenting 24/7 for a few weeks now, getting into my routine. Early last week I got some unpleasant personal news. I wasn't happy about it but I was handling it fine enough.
Sunday morning I was doing my routine, getting a shower. I was excited because there are two places nearby that are advertising help wanted and, riding the high of my last interview, I was really looking forward to going to them on Monday. So I started to shave my legs and what not and then remembered, I can't shave my face because I have electrolysis Monday, dammit.
Wait if I can't shave, I can't present properly.
If I can't present properly, I can't go to these possible jobs.
I can't go out, I can't get dressed how I like, all because of my facial hair.
And just like that I started to cry in the shower. I remembered the bad personal news I got and that was all I needed to break down. I spent the next 3 days questioning everything. My transition, my relationship, my sanity, my sexuality, my lack of friends, my own self worth. It was all going to hell as far as I was concerned. Not only did I feel powerless, but it seemed like everything I did was the wrong thing. I felt utterly alone and no one was lending a hand, in fact I was feeling kicked while down.
I was really in a dark place, a place I haven't been in since the end of junior high. A place that leaves me... defacing myself.
Then last night, I started to remember I can shave the next day, I can put on my make up, dress up and go out, maybe to those jobs. Though at the time yesterday that felt like a stretch, but I tried to feel it. I slept about 4 hours before waking up wide awake and excited about my shower in a few hours.
I did that, got some breakfast and went to my room to get ready. I went to the two jobs and dropped off my resume (cross your fingers for me!) and to get groceries. I've been home now a few hours, and I just got off of being on web cam, and I feel amazing. I was walking around the grocery store and every now and then it would register with me the wonderfully content feeling I was having. The lonely, horrible feelings were gone.
The main reason I brought up the personal problem I mentioned is for some perspective. It's still on my mind but it's not helping consume me in blackness. It's startling the rage the brain can conjure up when it doesn't get what it wants. More startling is how much a "passenger" it can make you be during that time.
As depressing as the last few days have been I see the light on the other side. What a doubt breaker this has been. I, unintentionally, conducted a bit of a science experiment on myself and the results are obvious. I am in living hell when I can't present as female, and presenting female gives me a comfort like I've never felt before. The difference is far to drastic to lend to any doubt.
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