Around now is when I normally start feeling my mood slide. Days of really high highs related to my transition are just about always followed by very low lows. After the last few days I have been having I have been waiting for the dysphoria to do it's thing and send me in to a haze of depression for at least a day.
It's an evil trick, what the dysphoria does. You feel so good about yourself, on the good days; Feminine, comfortable, expressing yourself, relieved, and usually feeling like everyone is accepting you. The next day (usually) when I see myself, less made up, looking less feminine, looking more like my old self is when it starts. You start thinking things like "See? You aren't a girl, everything yesterday was a LIE. YOU are a lie.". It doesn't take much, or long, before you start feeling like maybe "he's" right. You start wondering if there have been any changes or if it's all in your head. Then the overwhelming feeling of how you'll never be "ok" Your whole life will forever be this back and forth of being yourself and happy, and being everyone else and miserable.
You totally forget about the bliss you had yesterday, or a few hours ago, or just that instant.. (where did it go?). And it wins, every time. Nothing but time makes it go away, time and eventually one thought that slowly pulls you back. Like a reminder to yourself how awful life was last year, 5 years ago, 10. Or a nice comment someone made while you were presenting.
Today I felt it this morning. There's a mirror directly across from my bedroom door that I seen myself in when going for a shower (quick naked run, eek!). As I caught a glimpse my heart sank and I walked back into my room totally dejected. I looked in the mirror in my room and looked at my face, my hair, my moustache, and it was just awful, I'd like a face transplant. I looked at the rest of me though and I noticed I felt pretty good about my body. My skin is nice, I have hips, an ass, my shoulders are smaller. I said to myself, you know not bad really, except from the neck up. Then I thought, it's just a matter of time and that's taken care of too. Electrolysis will eventually fix my moustache, my hair will eventually grow out. makeup is doing a pretty good job as is... it's ok. I went and got my shower, got dressed, put on my makeup, my wig.
At some point I stopped cold as I realized what had just happened a few hours ago. The dysphoria just came to my door and I gave it the jehovah's witness approach. Even when I stopped and realized, I just carried on with my day. It's pretty amazing to be on the other side of the feelings spectrum. To have, upsetting, depressing, or angry emotions be just another emotion rather then the all consuming force they used to be.
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