I was walking down the stairs, with no idea what to write about today until I logged into facebook. A friend had posted something that got me thinking and I want to share it with you.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/petra-collins/why-instagram-censored-my-body_b_4118416.html
The TL;DR version is instagram deleted her account because she had a pic of herself in a bikini bottom without having her pubic hair trimmed. The main point she was getting at though was the censorship and hate of the female body by society and the media.
She is absolutely right, it shows us how primitive of a species we are that we are afraid of the female body. Not to get into it too much but this goes much deeper then our society in the 21st century. Not every, but "every" society has some kind of fear toward the female body. Any religion, in any area (again, "any") can be used as a perfect example. Even Buddha wasn't born naturally, but from a slit in the stomach and/or his mother dies after birth. (according to Christopher Hitchens). I don't have the time to get into christianity about the same thing.
Anyway, not here for a history lesson. The article made me think about the ridicule and shaming I had received. Honestly I had it "easier" in a sense that I could hide behind being "male" and males don't get anywhere near the same sort of constant harassment as women do. They get their share, but it's certainly not like women get. Now, that did it's own damage that I have gotten into enough that I don't have to talk about it here.
That led me to think, "I'm walking into that." I'm about to start feeling the same pressure, hearing the same cat calls and names the girl in the article is talking about. Almost certainly not at the same level as a young girl going through school, but it will be there. I know this is going to sound foolishly courageous, but right now, thinking to the future, I'm not at all concerned about it.
That's what I want to talk about, if you've managed to get this far (that up there seems like a mess). Specifically I want to talk to transgender that want to come out and are afraid, or are out and are having a hard time, and I guess everything in between.
Most of us trans are in the situation we are in because of the same sort of ridicule that woman talked about in her article. If there was no stigma toward being trans in our society then what problem would you have to come out? None. It's hard enough on ourselves that our bodies disagree with us, when everyone else does too it can feel impossible some times.
When I go out now, presenting properly, I don't worry too much about being teased or made fun of, I pass well enough that I don't hear it. But I used to. Long before I even understood anything at all with being trans I would get teased about the things I enjoyed that were feminine. I had long hair, for example. Not just long, but gorgeous make-my-girlfriend-jealous long hair and there wasn't a single person in my life at the time that didn't tell me I needed to cut it off. I was called everything, gay, faggot, the worst was being told I looked like a girl. I don't know how I managed to hide my smile enough to seem offended by it, but I tricked everyone every time. Speaking of which, I was a pretty small teen and I would be called a girl or ma'am completely innocently as well. The combination of happiness, fear, anger and shame when hearing that would usually leave me staring blankly for a bit after the situation cleared away.
No doubt many of you have gone through the same, or worse. It's all of those times that add up that keep you in the closet. It wasn't because I was afraid of having long hair, it was because I was afraid of the ridicule I'd get again. I've always wanted long nails but every time they would get a little long, someone would say something. I would go back and forth in an almost predictable pattern between shaving my legs, underams, etc. and being too terrified that I would be caught to keep doing it.
I thought it would never end.
Here's what I want to say though. If you can do it, if you can get the courage to come out to someone, then more and more and finally start your transition there is hope. For those of us who wait as long as I did I think we end up transitioning as a last resort. I know I did. It seems like nothing has worked, nothing will work. But there is hope, and if you can let yourself you can enjoy something no other type of person gets to experience.
When I first started my transition there was something I was told by my social worker and my therapist that I sorta thought they were out of their minds when they told me. They both said I'm lucky, not everyone gets the luxury to choose who they want to be.
Were they serious? Lucky? ... How long have you been doing this?
I felt nothing at all akin to "lucky". I felt trapped, I felt like I was working on instinct only. I had no choices and these people were talking to me about luxury?
But I've caught a glimpse of what they are talking about. I do have a luxury the majority of cis people probably don't even know they don't have (they could if they wanted to). I am creating this new me, and I'm doing it from nothing but my feelings and let me tell you, it's addictive. I've been forced to shed the shame and teasing simply by transitioning, simply by doing what I want to do. As it goes, and as I transition, more confidence is put in it's place. I *know* now that I do the things I do because *I* want to, it makes *me* happy. I'm starting to see how I have the luxury of an architect with unlimited resources building her own house. Every nail, every board, every little piece is getting placed there with care, love and understanding. And when I'm done it will be something I know I want, I know makes me happy and to hell with everyone else because I'm the only one who has to live here.
That's confidence. That, my trans friends, is something you have that the rest of the people around you don't. Starting was the hardest thing I've ever done, but it was the best thing I've ever done for me and it will be for you too. Try and build some courage, close your eyes and run with it if you have too, that's what I did. Just remember, this is your house.
No comments:
Post a Comment